What I wish I Knew Already

All my life I kept thinking about the next big thing. I, as I knew who I was, and what I wanted to become. That hypothetical greatness, that is oft-aspired but seldom achieved. Or maybe never achieved. I wish I get to know what I know is true, must be true, by all contemplation and certainness that I could muster in all of my being, I know that all this to be true! But at the same time, I somehow don't know.

I wish I knew that all my dreams and aspirations are projections of the shortcomings that I perceived in the past and now. I wish I knew that there was no actual shortcoming to begin with.

I wish I knew my loneliness is the truest thing I feel. That feelings of companionship or commorodarie, are mere masks.

I wish I knew that all the conversations and dialogues I have with the people I love and hate in my head, remain in my head.

I wish I knew that my urge to express myself, is born out of the misconception that people listen to what I say. Surely, people only hear noises, and comprehend whatever they like out of it. I wish I knew my urge to speak, is to substantiate the part of me that is insubstantial, and useless.

I wish I knew directly and undoubtedly, of all grandeur to be delusional. I wish I knew of all splendor and sophistication thrown at me to be a haunting, a dread, and unpleasant fear. And it would have to be so, so that it could serve it's purpose.

I wish knew that I was innocent of all the things I think of myself to be. That the my very words are borrowed, my very expressions aped, my emotions assimilated from others, my personality, stolen. I wish I knew my very spirit to be of that to seek conformity and a false sense of completion.

I wish I knew that my knowledge was a cumbersome burden, that didn't ever let me rejoice in breathing. I wish I knew that my urge to know, was a thoughtless warfare, waged at the uncertainity of life. A warfare that has it's warrior utterly defeated.

I wish I knew the people I have in mind are ghosts that haunt it. And that my ponderings feed them.

I wish I knew that the cause of all my suffering, is that part of me that wishes things to be otherwise. I wish I knew if that part wouldn't exist, my problems wouldn't exist.

I know of all this to be true. But, somehow, I don't. I wish I knew.