On Being Mediocre.

On Being Mediocre

The mechanism of the universe has brought me here, God be praised! I could be the very definition of mediocrity. In the years past, I have persistently tried to better myself. to make myself more valuable, successful, nice looking, wise and also tried to maintain good morals.

To be more alive.

But here I am! I am not close to where I should be. At this juncture I feel grossly inadequate for just about anything.

I'm 22 years old. The years gone by look so wasted. There have been periods in which I have been very satisfied with the way everything is. Those periods have been fleetingly short. I have very little to be proud of, I feel.

I'm not writing this out because of some depressed mood or transient life event, but after close analysis of my time spent since I remember.

I have been a keen interest taker in science, and always loved to watch science documentaries and read science stuff. An avid reader of books, fiction till about I was about 17 and non-fiction thereafter.

I have always been single. No relationships here yet. Once when I was 15, a girl caressed my shoulder and I went through the roof! That's about it. No sex or anything of the sort.

More than ever now I want to change my life. Every aspect of it. However, I have experienced personal failure a lot. I have set goals just to miss them, repeatedly. I know I will just disappoint myself if I try to set up goals.

I never going to set a single goal. Nope. Wisdom lies in learning from the past and if the past has taught me anything, it's that I will fail to meet my expectations. I will fail to meet my expectations, if I set a goal.

When I look at the years gone by, I see that I have achieved some things. I lost about 5 Kgs. of fat in the past few months.(the Slow Carb Diet by Tim Ferriss) I learnt to read Arabic by myself and now know the language enough to understand what someone is talking about. Got rid of the habit of bathing in hot water.  Other things too. But none with any specific goal.It all came out of individual obsessions and fancies.

That then is what I'm going to do. I'm going to have small obsessions and fancies. For me, I guess, this should be my path towards life. (I use the word life with a philosophical tilt.)

I am acutely aware I'm mediocre. I don't mean much. But that doesn't mean it's always going to be that way.

I shall walk towards life, and life will engulf me within itself. In-sha Allah.