Faux meeting

"Dude, will you come to a meeting with me? I am the marketing manager of my company and you are my freelancer friend who is our critical asset." said Aditya, whilst we were sitting in our office. I looked at him, confused. We, actually are lowly and insignificant coders. Programmers in the ABAP language. So I had no clue what he was saying.

I asked him what it was all about. He told me that his friend Kausubh(a.k.a KP) had told the CEO of his company that he was busy for a company meeting, when in reality, he was going to do something else, concerning his own freelance work. The CEO said that he too would like to attend this meeting. KP got caught in a bad situation, since off-course there was no actual meeting.

So he called Aditya for help. They decided that they would have to arrange a make-believe meeting in which Aditya played Chief Marketing Manager of a company we didn't actually work in, and I would act like a freelancer friend who was a "precious asset" to the company for the multiple valuable customers I hypothetically got.

I thought about this whole idea for a while and considered the risk.

"Dude, let's do it." I heard myself say.

So much fun.

We got ready, and went downstairs to a plush restaurant. I waited there as Aditya went out to get the CEO who was with KP. A vacant lemonade that Aditya had ordered, stood there, lonely. I sat on the other side of the desk, half nervous. The waiters looked at me suspiciously. Or maybe that was just my imagination.

The minutes passed, as there was no sign of him coming back. I decided to play with the apps in my cellphone, in an effort to make myself less awkward.

More than 10 minutes later, Aditya arrived with the two men. Quite recognizably, the CEO was dressed in a light blue shirt and overall formal look. KP had a less formal look, maybe since he was exceptionally well built.

We shook hands warmly. I tried to exude an air of confidence and sophistication. The CEO looked at us with gladness. We were his new customers. The four of us took our seats and Aditya started showing the websites made by a firm he had previously had a brief stint in. So we were a web designing firm that catered to big-fish clients such as a famous Indian football club, and a Paris based cosmetic company. He explained on while I gave some counter-productive interjections.

"So, you make websites" said the CEO, " why are you now interested in education?"

Aditya froze for a moment. Then he started.

"So... err.... we are a company.... who.. supplies to it's clients with premium quality UI-UX solutions and now we are thinking of doing this education thing...So that...err....we can get in touch with people who know about UI-UX ... and we can know who all are good at this thingy..."

"Basically," I ventured "we're looking forward for some quality talent acquisition...."

The CEO smiled politely at me and quickly looked away. Did I screw up?

Aditya then went on going on the same lines for quite some time. The CEO, who finally seemed to have lost his patience started explaining the services that his company provided. We tried to look assertive, yet casual to some degree. I couldn't pay much attention to the details he was delving into. The situation in which I was in was hilarious and beautiful.

The restaurant had a beautiful and mellow ambience, the air-conditioning was mild and soothing while a gentle music was playing in the background. Many successful looking people were all around us. But I wan't paying attention to them.

I thought about how this guy I had just been introduced to, KP felt about this whole thing. Did he regularly face such scenarios?

Aditya started some serious negotiations now. The CEO was listening sincerely.

"So what kind of people can you attract to us?"

"That depends on the kind of institute that you choose from our list. You know, actually what we give you is a platform to attract students.... err..."

I felt like talking again: "You know college students typically have much overconfidence when it comes to UI-UX.... They think they know everything while in reality they have no idea of industry standards."

I basically described myself.

The CEO looked amused, and smiled as he nodded at me. Cool.

Five more minutes of Aditya followed. He is an expert negotiate. I was wondering whether to tell that we were getting late. The longer we spoke the more the chance that our cover got blown.

The discussion now turned to quotations and payments. Aditya was asking for good deals. My brain was hardly working. In the end I said, "Maybe we'll let Jugal take the call here." (Jugal was some guy who actually worked in the company we were pretending to be in.)

"Off-course" said Aditya "I shall be forwarding all this to Jugal."

There was some chatter that I didn't follow. The CEO wanted another meeting. They started discussing timings. KP insisted that the next meeting should be with Jugal.

"Dude, we need to leave" I interrupted.

"Yeah you go and call Jugal"

"Yeah, give me Jugal's number"

......awkward......

"Oh, Huzefa, why don't you go to Mr. Sharma up and I will catch up."

He said Mr Sharma in an urbane accent that softens the 'r's. I felt stupid. It was time for me to leave.

I said a quick 'jaldi aa' in order to make myself feel important. Then I left the place and went upstairs in the office....

The whole thing lasted about 40 minutes.

Five minutes later, Aditya came in with some khachoris and samosas in a small packet. As we sat there, and ate, we laughed like crazy. We recounted details of all the faux pas and the successes we had. He had done it all to save his friend's ass. I did it because I thought it would be thrilling.

It was so thrilling !

You don't have any questions. All you have is answers.

Our Greatest Delusion

Life vs. The Internet

A great part of our personalities and a huge part of our life stories today can be attributed to the Internet. This is not a good thing, I have realized, off late. The internet, in my honest opinion, has done more harm than good to me personally. I want to elucidate a few things here, and express what I have been realizing in bits and pieces.

An illusion of being connected:

The internet, through social media and messaging apps, gives us a comfortable feeling that we can contact anyone we want, anytime we like. It also gives us a feeling of being in touch. However, as I realize, it is a big illusion.

Social connections online, in my experience, does't increase communication between people, but counter-intuitively reduces it. It, in my experience, it puts a chasm between people who would otherwise feel nostalgic about each other. Miscommunication over text and passive aggressive behavior online, opinion feuds, and false judgement over tastes and culture are other things that go on over the internet social scene.

In real life, we depend on one another in intricate and complex ways. Communication is rather smooth and we see other points of views more clearly. In real life, we try to get in genuine touch with another person by actually taking efforts to get in touch. We get influenced in our decisions, and tend to have less of a herd attitude.

The internet is an illusion of connection, when everyone is separate. Life is the illusion of separateness, when everyone is connected.

The illusion of Smartness

Search engines gave us the power to search anything we wanted when we wanted them. It meant that school and college projects and assignments were nothing more than googleing the term and plagiarizing from one source or another. More often then not, those sources might be plagiarisms themselves. There is usually much unnecessary and impractical information to be found, and this, more often then not, causes an information overload. Ironically, very little of that information is truly retained in memory.

In real life, if we need to know something, we need to study it, feel it and experience it to a more wholesome degree. This might look slow or dumb, but it gives to wisdom and holistic well being of the mind.

The internet gives the illusion of being a smart-ass when in fact, you know nothing. In real life you know it when you know nothing, and thus chances are, you'll make an effort to be open minded to new knowledge.

The illusion of tolerance

If you haven't noticed, everything on the internet, is structured around the way you behave. You views are recorded, your likes and dislikes dictate what you will be exposed to in the future. This is true in both search and media. The result is, the world will seem surprisingly tolerant, since only like minded people are allowed to mingle and express their views.

In real life, we meet all sorts of people and make and effort to accommodate them within our world view.

The internet wears tolerant facade. Real life is tolerance in practice.

The illusion of Abundance

The internet is the home of hype and instant gratification. As is everything is projected in the most flattering light. The lives of people are photographed and uploaded with the best smiles and poses. The best sort of food is always on display. There is food porn, word porn and also porn. There are also cats.

In real life, things are harder to get and are much more gratifying. The food tastes and feels real. The words are more meaningful and come in some context or life situation, rather than just being random quotes.

The internet shows abundance, when truly it is scarce. Real life looks scarce, but is truly abundant.

--------------------------------------------------------------

But clearly, the internet is just a tool. We are responsible for our own lack of discrimination.

Who is Jed Mckenna?

The teachers we need will always be there when we need them; no reason to track down somebody else’s. -Jed Mckenna.

In March, this year, I was going through YouTube videos on self improvement as I often did in those days. One video titled 5 books that will change your life caught my attention. The guy in the video was a well known pick-up artist, Aaron, from RSD.

Now, like most people, I too was tired of redundant self help books and tips, but lately I had liked David Deida's books just for the heck of it. Besides, I had nothing better to do.

So the first among his recommendations was this strange "Spiritual Enlightenment" trilogy having these 3 books:

1. Spiritual Enlightenment: The danmdest thing.
2. Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment
3. Spiritual Warfare

All three written by a person named Jed Mckenna. And since I had nothing better to do, I went ahead and read these books. And it blew my mind.

I have never felt the same about any other book ever. And I have read hundreds if not thousands of them.

Jed Mckenna

It is August now, and I am still reading and re-reading  those books. They have been of such enormous value.

But this post is not about how awesome those books are(which they are). I only want to know, who on earth is Jed Mckenna?

In the narrative of his first book, he is located in an "ashram" known by locals as the Jed-zone somewhere in the central states of the U.S. In the second book, he's somewhere in Europe. In the third, he rents a house in rural Mexico. In another book he wrote, he was back in America, where he had previously rented a mansion. These days, he's living in Cambodia, where he has an ashram. But nobody clearly knows exactly where. There are no photos of his on the internet, despite being popular. No YouTube videos, no book promotions. Nothing.

But all this secrecy, even though clearly on purpose, seems effortless for him.

How does one do that?

I'm not a popular person, but if you Google "Huzefa Saifee", I do pop up. It's a small world,you know. And Here is an author of 5 very successful books, but not a photo to be found, no video, no biography.

I find that amazing.

A Midnight Rescue Mission

Last evening, when I came home at around 22 hours in the evening, I found my sister looking out with a melancholy look outside the window. She pointed out to me a crow who was hanging on a nearby tree, one wing stuck upwards by a kite string and it hanging helplessly in the rain. It was a stormy day and the downpour was non-stop. I went out to do something about this. But I didn't know what or how.

So I went to a Bela, a old woman who lived downstairs, who is an "animal lover". 

"You're telling me at this time, man? Din me bolta to alag hota. Ab itni raat ko kya karneka?"

I reassured her that I was not asking her to climb the height. We went to the tree and saw the crow. The bird was surely traumatized. The rain had severely ruffled it's feathers and I imagine it was stuck in the same awful position for hours. I made sounds to agitate it and make sure it was alive. It was.

She suggested that I call the fire-brigade. So I tried to do that. They didn't receive my call, despite tens of attempts. Frustrating. Wonder what'd happen if we're in a real fire emergency.

Half and hour later, I called my friend Prathamesh, and asked him to help me rescue the bird in distress, wondering if it was still alive.

An ancient Macedonian coin, with a crow.

"In the rain?"

"Yup."

"Whilst getting wet?

"Yup."

"Let's go."

We went, and I took from home a pair of scissors to cut the string.

I first asked Bela to help us out, since I can't get myself to catch a crow. She refused. She had dogs and cats to feed, and a lot of work, she said. She gave us some sticks and a torch.

"Tum log jakar Masum ke idhar se ladder le ke jao."

So off we went, equipped with a ladder, a torch, a long stick and scissors.

And the rain started pouring bucketfuls. We were on a rescue mission, in the middle of a storm. The sky boomed and banged.

Prathamesh asked me if I was sure if I wanted to do this.

"Man, if I were stuck hanging on a tree, I would like to be helped."

He seemed very pleased at what I said. I climbed the ladder while he gave it support. I agitated the bird with the stick. It fluttered it's wings. Alive for now.

I tried, but failed to reach the string. Prathamesh tried too. The rain was intense and water fell in our eyes as we tried to look up.

After much trial and error, on the street, we saw another guy named Prathamesh (a.k.a Kadu), who is a lanky guy who is 6 feet 4 inches tall. We asked him to help us:

"BC, idhar aa, kawwa rescue kar rahe he...."

"Kya MC, jaldi me he me..."

"Abe BC. latka he, bus string katna he, bus..."

He came by with extreme reluctance. He began to climb.

Prathmesh: Upar chad. Hoze, light maar.

Kadu, who was up the ladder by now, had legs shaking. He wore glasses, so the rain was causing more visual problems for him.

Kadu:"Phat rahi he BC."

Much commotion ensued. The bird was at it's wit's end. The scissor just wouldn't reach the string.

We needed to use a knife. I waited there at the site, while both of them went to Bela's to get a knife. Five long minutes later, they arrived with what looked like a spear. A knife attached to a stick. Awesome. I took the stick and posed some hunter poses before handing it back to Prathamesh.

Bela has warned us against the bird falling, saying that if it's back broke, it was gone. But what were we to do? Kadu climbed up and after much direction, encouragement and swear words, managed to cut the string. The wing was freed from entanglement, but the crow didn't move.

"Is he still stuck?" I asked. No one gave an answer.

I took a stick and poked it, it crept inwards towards the trunk of the tree. I felt that if left in the rain, it might die, so I pushed the crow. He fell down gently, hitting two or three obstacles in between.

He got up on his feet and began running.

Picture that. A fucking crow awkwardly running in a storm away from three benign gentlemen, wings tightly closed. We stood there, motionless for a few seconds, confused.

The two guys, ran to Bela to ask her to catch the bird. She came, umbrella in hand, fretting and fuming.

"I had told you that don't let him fall."

I said nothing.

After a little chasing she caught the crow. She then picked up her umbrella in one hand, keeping the crow in another. The crow shrank, like a soft kabab in her hand.

"I should consider myself very brave. You, despite being young men, are scared to catch a crow."

"Look," I started, "I don't usually catch crows as part of my daily routine..."

She put the crow in a cage she had. Everyone was happy and relieved. And soaking.

I went home and asked my sister: "Saw that?"

"Saw all that," she said in a satisfied, happy and teasing tone. She was seeing everything from the houses window.

"Now go and bathe for the 50th time today..."

I did that.

The next day, Prathamesh told me that the crow was kept on the tree at dawn. After a few hours, it flew away.

At Santacruz Station

When I would travel to Babasaheb Gawde Institute, during my diploma days, I would often overhear conversations of people on the trains during my daily commute to Bombay Central from Vile Parle. I never failed to feel a good amount of familiarity with the way people spoke. Each dialogue, each nuance, response, greeting, jargon was so generic, it was as if all people are substitutes of each other. They watch the same movies and TV series, read the same news, eat similar food and have common ethics. So off course, they, and I, are almost the same.

"oye kitna padha!..... lag gayi yaar,,,,"

"to tune kya bola usko?"

"What's up man, dikh nai raha he, kaha he tu?"

and so on.... you get the idea.

And I noticed the same thing on the days I would walk back from Carter Road to Bandra Station with passers by speaking loudly on their cell phones.

The 24th of April saw the first viva of the final internal examination of the B.E. degree course in CS. That day, the viva got over rather quickly, so I was happy that I would be able to attend the Friday prayer at Santacruz's mosque after a rather long gap. So I left college and walked towards Bandra Station, as usual, and boarded an Andheri train which was cozily empty. It was hot as ever, summer was showing it's rage, but something about the slow pace of things in that day, kept me calm and pleasant.

The previous few days were hectic, stressful and bitter-sweet. I had just finished all submissions and my project was functional. The report was yet to be printed but it was approved by our rather demanding guide. I had fallen for a girl who had just recently rejected/friend-zoned/God-knows-what me. And my college days were getting over. Gloomy, you know.

But the gloom was in the background as I was early today and would reach before time at the mosque. The mosque, is a sanctuary of calm, and never fails to put my issues aside.

The train chugged forward and just before Santacruz's platform arrived, it came to a halt. A few minutes went by, then the passengers started leaning out to see why the train had stopped. I had all the time, so I waited patiently.

Meanwhile, a crowd gathered on the southern-most walkover bridge. The passengers were getting agitated and leaning further and further, until a few people jumped out on the gravel. It seemed, someone had died by the train's impact.

A few boy's alighted, and announced: "Oye mar gaya oye!!! KHATAM !!!"

Usually, I don't pay attention to such things, but that day, I was considering the possibility of being OK with the whole idea of dying. Usually, I don't even stand on the doorway. I value my life more than most people. But that Friday afternoon, something was different.

I said to myself that I needed to see this dead man. For some reason, I felt a strong urge. Plus, I said to myself, that my life was useless anyway. So I risked all my cherished values and safety measures and jumped on the gravel and started walking towards the platform besides which the incident had taken place.

I jumped down when horns form trains started honking loudly from all directions with great surround-sound effects. Walking on tracks is scary, A police person, started blowing his whistle at me and the others on the gravel. Thankfully, he didn't bother us any further.

I reached the platform and saw the casualty from there. His head was crushed from the center up-till the lower jaw, the teeth of which were clearly exposed. Inside the skull, it was like minced meat. The shirt had a few bloodstains but was normal otherwise. A few sluggish, gooey, lumps of meat with a few dangling fibres were on the tracks. The police person was taking notes while the railway personnel had put him on a stretcher and were nudging his slightly overweight body, which helplessly shook, his hands dangling in the scorching sunlight. I was standing there, mesmerized by the whole beauty of this.

I thought it would be an unpleasant for me to be lying on the tracks in such heat and sun light. But then again, it also would be pretty unpleasant to have my head dissected till my lower jaw.

A few railway men, picked up all the meat and threw it on the stretcher. A crowd on the bridge hadn't left. I was surrounded by women waiting for their "lady's compartment", who were all busy texting. I stood there nevertheless, thinking about the dead guy in front of me. I thought that this guy would be so regular, no one would otherwise take notice. It would be the same person saying things like "What's up man! Long time!!!" if you'd happened to know him.

That guy, was for all intents and purpose, all of us.

More specifically, this guy was me.

I stood there as I felt the void engulfed me. Everything about my life felt so small. All my worries, opinions, likings, everything seemed, so fucking stupid. All issues I was facing, suddenly felt like basic bullshit. Wow.

A few minutes later I walked up. I saw the crowd was still there. Now I knew why they were standing, Maybe deep down, they know, but they don't realize it.

I went to the mosque where a melodious hymn of salawaat was being sung in a deep baritone as I felt steeped in gratitude for having died. Ironically, I was breathing.

Spiritual Autolysis

26th April, 2015.

Autolysis means self eating in biology(some microbes eat themselves to survive). I got the concept from Jed McKenna's books, mainly "Spiritual enlightenment: The Danmdest thing",

What we do in it is, the way I understand it is:

1. Shut up.
2. Sit down.
3. Write about what is bothering you at present.
4. Question it's validity, trueness and beliefs that lead to the discomfort.
5. Keep doing this.

This, according to Jed McKenna, would lead to the destroying of false beliefs and ultimately the self we have built around those beliefs.

I am pretty convinced it'll work. This makes sense to me.

I am doing this today on. I'll keep updating this post itself every now and then, to mention my progress, or lack of it.

Done.

Avoiding the Nerves

This is a list of handy tools and methods to get rid of stress and jittery nerves. Basically a very simple set of hacks that if done regularly will assuredly give the subject(haha) a sense of general well-being.

In making this list I have made sure that,

1. The thing to be done is simple, requires minimal effort.
2. It's in good taste.

In doing so, I have looked at many sources on how to effectively change the hormones in one's body. Mostly, this list is for my own use. That's because these things work.

#1. Always have a handkerchief

A gentleman without a kerchief is a warrior without his weapon. Always, ALWAYS carry. I learn my lessons the hard way. What happens when your nose is stuffy bang in the middle of a social situation and you can't leave. Say, like a lecture or something.

All that aside, the kerchief's presence makes us use it when we wouldn't feel it's need if it weren't there. It feels good.

#2. Go to the loo more often.

Even if you don't feel the urge, give it a shot. More often than not, something does materialize.

#3. Wear nice shoes

It helps keep the body stable. I have learnt that the ideal shoes should have the bare minimal cushioning. Much like the canvas shoes we wore at school.

Ditch the sandals or slippers. In the hours to follow, it's never really worth it.

#4. Don't read

The news. Or anything. Unless it's truly important. Especially in the morning.

#5. Get rid of  the Internet

Social media is a killer of good mood. In saying this, I'm not speaking merely from my observations, but is backed by much independent research.

Email, is full of crap.

Porn is, well... porn.

All of this feels good whilst being done. But it does get on ones nerves, even if one's not necessarily aware of it

#6. Do Nothing

Nothing good can possibly happen while one's not up to it, Do what you're best at doing: nothing.

This is not procrastination. Remember, nothing was going to happen anyway.

Remove yourself from the world. It still turns.

#7. Go to a friends house

It's like vagabonding, except on a much smaller scale.

#8. Avoid toxic people

This is easier said than done. You know a person is toxic when they sap enthusiasm out like a leech. I try to be as ruthless as I can, in avoiding them.

#9. Drink tea

The warmth!

#10. Rearrange stuff

Put the house in order or organize documents. It gives an instant sense of accomplishment, so it feels very good.

#11. Don't write articles like this one. Ever.