Getting over it all

In the past few years, I have been trying to leave my beliefs behind me. I have been trying to leave my ego and fears and begin my life sans those.

I cannot judge how far I have come. I started circa the beginning of 2015. I do not know the exact time I started.

But the length of my journey might just be noted as theoretical and theological. I cannot say that much of it is real, in the sense that I still stand as a defined person. That egoic shell is still there.

I need to get personal. I cannot keep studying these books about the journey towards truth. It will lead me nowhere. What I really feel the urge to do is to have honest conversations with myself every day of my life until I have nothing else to tell myself.

I feel tired. My sickness has wreathed my muscles and made my body into a light weakling. I cough out of an empty chest. My physical condition leads me to feel more desperately of my situation. So I need to be a little honest with myself.

I apologize for my incoherence while writing this. But the self is incoherent and jittery and vague. This whole subject is like this. I can see no resolution. Off-course, there is none.

But what have I been doing till now since 2015? I really feel lost. Have I really looked into the reality of my being or have I just being dancing around the bush of concept. I guess, for the most part, I have been doing the latter. I there even a single concern that I had back then that I don't have now? How am I different a person today then I was then? Well, to be honest, I don't care about outer appearances that much today that I did back in those days. But beyond, I am still a scared person.

OH MY GOD. My journey has, I guess, begun NOW. Why am I not excited?