All love is fake

Yup.

This idea has been with me since a long time, but only recently have I begun feeling it in a more weighty manner. Now, I am not very well versed into this looking at myself thingy. I am not very good at seeing the mechanics of my ego clearly. But this idea still stands true.

I see how people function and all I see is veiled self interest. I am much as I can see myself, I see the same thing. I have never done anything for anyone(Maybe sometimes, very rarely.) without the want for validation of my identity, or personal gain. 

So it stands that, I have really loved nobody. It also stands that nobody ever loved me.

Typing that feels so good. Nobody ever loved me. I always knew this somewhere. But I can say it as a literal fact now.

The only thing that has got me appreciation, love, attention. affection, respect, honor, difference and consideration are my properties. My body or the position that has fallen on my lap somehow. Nothing else. Nothing that was ever told about me was actually about me.

So the love is false on so many different levels. On one level, the one loved is not the actual person but the impression of the person who is loved. Not the actual ego but the idea of the ego that the other person perceives which in no way is related to the actual person.

All the better to see you!

On the other level, even that love is out of self interest.

So who loves whom? Nobody loves anyone. If you feel that you truly love someone, ask yourself, why don't you love someone else instead? 

Or better yet ask yourself, to what degree would the loved one have to change so that you would stop loving them?

Or even better, ask yourself, what makes your loved one special, so as to merit your attention?

When answered clearly, these questions never to fail to point out the falseness of these emotions. These are stories we make up to shield our actual loneliness. We believe in these stories dearly. And no belief is true.

Plainly said, it is a mental(and therefore hormonal) condition. It is a symptom of lies and mental illness of our culture and upbringing.

I don't want to give myself and anyone the impression that my words about this are in any way pessimistic. I just want to stop pretending what is not true, inauthentic and pretentious to be true and meaningful or even beautiful in some way. I want something that is real. If I just remove what is false and energy sapping from my being, I might just make way for something real to blossom.

Vacate my heart!

I must humbly ask everyone to kindly vacate my heart. I ask you today, for if you don't, things are going to get pretty ugly. I might have to force you out, or worse, I might have to burn the heart itself. This, I mention because I know that the entity that resides in my heart has no relation with the real you. What resides in there is just an impression, an ghost. The ghost is creating a haunting and making my life haunted. Therefore, I ask you, oh ghosts, to leave.

I no longer feel scared of you. You draw all your energy from me. From my body, from the attention I pay to things. Of all things, I pay attention to you, and that is what sustains you. That is the only thing that keeps you alive. In the end I will have to cut off that supply that allows you to exist.

So I am gently asking you to leave. I know you all by your names. I know what you stand for and if I don't, I sure the hell will find out.

I will begin by stopping to pay attention to you to see if you go away silently. If you don't, which I'm almost certain you wont, then I'll have to look at your significance more closely. I will look at your history and why you are important for me. I will address that need, or eliminate it. Then, I will, by looking at you clearly, look through you.

In the end, you, to me only exist because of me. To me, you are just a dream character. Just as insubstantial as my own being.

I don't fear the day you'll go away. My behavior has and always will be the same. In fact, your being in my heart, causes me being out of my original character. I do strange and awkward things then. If you're gone, I can go back to the normal me. The normal me is much better, than the one carrying the burden of you 24/7.

A carnage is coming. My heart is going to burn anyway. If you don't leave, you shall find yourself burnt with my heart. So leave, or don't, you're going anyway. It is just that it would be a lot more pleasant for me if I know you are gone prior to the burning.

Ohh, how will life be after you are gone. I won't miss you for sure. There is no missing you, for there was never a you. Tell me, when I had you in my heart, did you know it? Did you appreciate it? Even if you loved me, how did it ever happen to be of importance to you whether I loved you or not? If someone ever loved me, it wouldn't matter if I loved them back or not. So your existence is of no consequence in the real world. It is only a burden on me, and that's the be-all-end-all of it.

I am unspeakably happy, this day has come. The day I get to be courageous enough to make this declaration. I'm thankful of you're being here till today. I enjoyed the pain, the happiness, the faux-companionship, the crazy delusional thinking, and comfort that I had in your presence. But this moment demands some serious growing up. And no growth can take place without me getting rid of the tumor that you all have become.

Getting over it all

In the past few years, I have been trying to leave my beliefs behind me. I have been trying to leave my ego and fears and begin my life sans those.

I cannot judge how far I have come. I started circa the beginning of 2015. I do not know the exact time I started.

But the length of my journey might just be noted as theoretical and theological. I cannot say that much of it is real, in the sense that I still stand as a defined person. That egoic shell is still there.

I need to get personal. I cannot keep studying these books about the journey towards truth. It will lead me nowhere. What I really feel the urge to do is to have honest conversations with myself every day of my life until I have nothing else to tell myself.

I feel tired. My sickness has wreathed my muscles and made my body into a light weakling. I cough out of an empty chest. My physical condition leads me to feel more desperately of my situation. So I need to be a little honest with myself.

I apologize for my incoherence while writing this. But the self is incoherent and jittery and vague. This whole subject is like this. I can see no resolution. Off-course, there is none.

But what have I been doing till now since 2015? I really feel lost. Have I really looked into the reality of my being or have I just being dancing around the bush of concept. I guess, for the most part, I have been doing the latter. I there even a single concern that I had back then that I don't have now? How am I different a person today then I was then? Well, to be honest, I don't care about outer appearances that much today that I did back in those days. But beyond, I am still a scared person.

OH MY GOD. My journey has, I guess, begun NOW. Why am I not excited?

Everything happens at it's appointed time.

This is not a worthless post.

I have been guilty of myself feeing at times that I do things, that I make them happen. But a clear looking at things, shows otherwise. I have never done anything, it is the circumstances that induce the happening, and I act as an agent of circumstance.

If I have goals as of now, those goals might have a utilitarian purpose of giving me motivation towards something. But it ends there. Beyond, goals just give me suffering.

I say it because I have seen it. It is true.I still cherish many a fantasies. But I am sure that they all must go for good. They have no existence in reality. They are fearful projections and hopes. I guess the ego does this because it feels that by making such a projection, it might be realized. What's that, the mind's version of the law of attraction? Clearly, it is not working.

When this nonsense hope and fantasy go away from the mind, I can then have an honest look at my real situation and take action. Before that, I am just passing time.

And as such, if something were to be realized or manifested in front of me, it will all dictate it and it will happen. In that, I have no say.

There is absolutely nothing to do...

Faux meeting

"Dude, will you come to a meeting with me? I am the marketing manager of my company and you are my freelancer friend who is our critical asset." said Aditya, whilst we were sitting in our office. I looked at him, confused. We, actually are lowly and insignificant coders. Programmers in the ABAP language. So I had no clue what he was saying.

I asked him what it was all about. He told me that his friend Kausubh(a.k.a KP) had told the CEO of his company that he was busy for a company meeting, when in reality, he was going to do something else, concerning his own freelance work. The CEO said that he too would like to attend this meeting. KP got caught in a bad situation, since off-course there was no actual meeting.

So he called Aditya for help. They decided that they would have to arrange a make-believe meeting in which Aditya played Chief Marketing Manager of a company we didn't actually work in, and I would act like a freelancer friend who was a "precious asset" to the company for the multiple valuable customers I hypothetically got.

I thought about this whole idea for a while and considered the risk.

"Dude, let's do it." I heard myself say.

So much fun.

We got ready, and went downstairs to a plush restaurant. I waited there as Aditya went out to get the CEO who was with KP. A vacant lemonade that Aditya had ordered, stood there, lonely. I sat on the other side of the desk, half nervous. The waiters looked at me suspiciously. Or maybe that was just my imagination.

The minutes passed, as there was no sign of him coming back. I decided to play with the apps in my cellphone, in an effort to make myself less awkward.

More than 10 minutes later, Aditya arrived with the two men. Quite recognizably, the CEO was dressed in a light blue shirt and overall formal look. KP had a less formal look, maybe since he was exceptionally well built.

We shook hands warmly. I tried to exude an air of confidence and sophistication. The CEO looked at us with gladness. We were his new customers. The four of us took our seats and Aditya started showing the websites made by a firm he had previously had a brief stint in. So we were a web designing firm that catered to big-fish clients such as a famous Indian football club, and a Paris based cosmetic company. He explained on while I gave some counter-productive interjections.

"So, you make websites" said the CEO, " why are you now interested in education?"

Aditya froze for a moment. Then he started.

"So... err.... we are a company.... who.. supplies to it's clients with premium quality UI-UX solutions and now we are thinking of doing this education thing...So that...err....we can get in touch with people who know about UI-UX ... and we can know who all are good at this thingy..."

"Basically," I ventured "we're looking forward for some quality talent acquisition...."

The CEO smiled politely at me and quickly looked away. Did I screw up?

Aditya then went on going on the same lines for quite some time. The CEO, who finally seemed to have lost his patience started explaining the services that his company provided. We tried to look assertive, yet casual to some degree. I couldn't pay much attention to the details he was delving into. The situation in which I was in was hilarious and beautiful.

The restaurant had a beautiful and mellow ambience, the air-conditioning was mild and soothing while a gentle music was playing in the background. Many successful looking people were all around us. But I wan't paying attention to them.

I thought about how this guy I had just been introduced to, KP felt about this whole thing. Did he regularly face such scenarios?

Aditya started some serious negotiations now. The CEO was listening sincerely.

"So what kind of people can you attract to us?"

"That depends on the kind of institute that you choose from our list. You know, actually what we give you is a platform to attract students.... err..."

I felt like talking again: "You know college students typically have much overconfidence when it comes to UI-UX.... They think they know everything while in reality they have no idea of industry standards."

I basically described myself.

The CEO looked amused, and smiled as he nodded at me. Cool.

Five more minutes of Aditya followed. He is an expert negotiate. I was wondering whether to tell that we were getting late. The longer we spoke the more the chance that our cover got blown.

The discussion now turned to quotations and payments. Aditya was asking for good deals. My brain was hardly working. In the end I said, "Maybe we'll let Jugal take the call here." (Jugal was some guy who actually worked in the company we were pretending to be in.)

"Off-course" said Aditya "I shall be forwarding all this to Jugal."

There was some chatter that I didn't follow. The CEO wanted another meeting. They started discussing timings. KP insisted that the next meeting should be with Jugal.

"Dude, we need to leave" I interrupted.

"Yeah you go and call Jugal"

"Yeah, give me Jugal's number"

......awkward......

"Oh, Huzefa, why don't you go to Mr. Sharma up and I will catch up."

He said Mr Sharma in an urbane accent that softens the 'r's. I felt stupid. It was time for me to leave.

I said a quick 'jaldi aa' in order to make myself feel important. Then I left the place and went upstairs in the office....

The whole thing lasted about 40 minutes.

Five minutes later, Aditya came in with some khachoris and samosas in a small packet. As we sat there, and ate, we laughed like crazy. We recounted details of all the faux pas and the successes we had. He had done it all to save his friend's ass. I did it because I thought it would be thrilling.

It was so thrilling !

You don't have any questions. All you have is answers.